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I was born
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Moved from Stow to Hudson
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Learned to spell my name
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Began grade school at Evamere Elementary
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Began high school
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Hired for first job: custodial sub for Hudson School District
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Created first checking account
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Hired for second job: dishwasher at Rosewood Grill
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Selected to be lead defense attorney for mock trial team; develop interest in law
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Earned Miami University's Bridges scholarship
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Graduated Hudson High School
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Worked for Rosewood Grill again, this time as server
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Enrolled in Miami University Honors program with pre-law major
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Selected to participate on Jeopardy College Tournament
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Graduated from Miami University
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Begin law school at Stanford
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Graduated law school at head of class
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Began working for prestigious law firm, Arguedas, Cassman & Headley, LLP
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Married daughter of California state senator
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Used political connections to run for governor of California
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Successfully elected to California governor
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Ran for California senator after successful governor term
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Successfully elected to U.S. Senate under democratic ticket
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Convinced legislature to invest in solar power and hydrogen cars
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Secretly leaked classified personal information on opposing senators to libertarian extremist groups
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Pushed to enact bills restricting economic freedom to government and universal healthcare and education
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Energy crisis is solved after green energy initiative
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Ran for United States President after successes as senator
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Successfully elected to U.S. presidency under democratic ticket
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U.S. trade defecit reaches low point
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Hire socialist paramilitary group to assassinate opposing legislators; frame anarchists
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Enacted bill establishing socialist paramilitary group as independent police force
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Replaced assassinated officials with sympathetic authoritarians; gain control of Congress
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Established pro-anarchy and anti-government speech as federal crimes
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Staged assassination of numerous leftist officials; framed Mexican libertarian extremists
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Pass enabling act extending presidential term indefinitely
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Declared war on Mexico
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Annexed Mexico under military threat; begin rapid industrialization
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Spent government revenues on media control; developed personality cult
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Named "Protector for Life of the Federated States of Burnistan"
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Mobilize military in attempt to intimidate China into submission
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Military coup organized by rebels storms capitol, forced to flee to Canada
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Adopted alias "Daron Gurne"
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Purchased apartment in Vancouver with embezzled funds
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Revised will and retirement plan
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Found work managing small but reputable restaurant
Coincidentally, employees complained that I'm "such a dictator at times" -
Got married again
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Died while eating too much delicious Canadian bacon
